Faith in the Fallouts

Recently, I have realized that I have never been angry with God until now. I have yelled at Him like a typical father-daughter dynamic. Except, unlike my earthly father, I have not felt God nearly as much as I used to. See, my dad recognizes that I am going through a trial in life right now, and he hugs me and sits with me while I cry. God, on the other hand, I have not been able to physically feel Him there, which has made it so hard to trust that He is there.

I am sure most every Christian reading this has felt the same way at some point.

This is where the faith I promised I would talk about comes in. My grandma used to repeat this verse to my family and me, “For truly, I say to you, if you have faith like a grain of mustard seed, you will say to this mountain, ‘Move from here to there,’ and it will move, and nothing will be impossible for you” (Matthew 17:20). In fact, before she passed she bought us these circular necklaces with a mountain and a mustard seed inside.

When hardships come our way, it is normal for our faith to be the size of a mustard seed, which are extremely small by the way. But what we should not let happen is to allow our faith to slip out of our reach. This can make it harder for you to ever want to go back to Jesus, but fear not, He will ALWAYS want you back. Nothing that you do makes you too far gone for Jesus.

Sometimes, especially recently, my faith shrinks into the size of a mustard seed. It is hard to trust in God when you can’t even feel His presence. One piece of advice I will give is to seek out something that repeatedly comes at you.

A few weeks ago, I finally felt God for the first time in months. The week before this was miserable. I cried every day, I wasn’t able to get out of bed for school that Friday, and it felt like more things kept piling onto the trial I was already facing. And then Monday came along, when I had Bible study led by a friend of mine in the grade above. It was exam week, so not everyone showed up to this Monday morning Bible study, just me, the friend who leads it, and another friend in the grade above mine. We read in Ecclesiastes 8, which I do not want to quote a single verse because I highly recommend the whole chapter. Or rather, the whole book of Ecclesiastes. Anyway, I asked the two girls why God would take something away that He gave me in the first place.

Of course, neither of them can speak for the Lord, but one of my friends responded with this, “Sometimes things can be taken in order for you to grow.” I cannot explain it, but this spoke to me in a way that no words had in a while. I knew it was something God put on her heart to say to me, and it almost makes me feel delusional typing that out, but I had felt a presence I had not felt in months. It was so relieving.

The reason I can say, or type, so confidently that it was God is because later that day I had chapel. At first, I was not planning on going, but I really felt like I needed to go for some reason. So I went. They sang some Christmas songs and played a game per usual. And then our speaker was announced, it was my favorite teacher. I smiled so big when I saw him walk onto that stage, and I knew whatever he was going to say, he was going to say it well, and it was going to be good. He first spoke about how our God is a God of peace, which is something, along with faithfulness, I have been struggling with. He talked about how worldly peace is circumstantial. We can be happy with where we are, but it could be so easily ripped out of our lives in an instant. He lit a candle and had his son kill the flame with just one breath; it was so easy. But then, he relit the candle and covered it with a glass vase, which represented Jesus. Then, he got out his leaf blower, turned it on, and pointed it towards the candle. The candle stayed lit because of the love of Christ.

I cried the whole time.

It was such a beautiful representation of how our God of peace covers us with His love, and if we do not have that armor of God surrounding us, our spark can be easily blown out. This was just the cherry on top of the Bible study I had just attended a few hours prior. I felt God pressing on my heart, a little reminder He was still there.

God is always there. You aren’t always going to feel Him, but do not give up. Know that the God of peace, OUR God of peace, is always right there next to you. Don’t lose sight, and know that you are so loved.